I WANT: all of my packing to be done

I WISH: that scott could live on the cape with me this summer

I HATE: listening to stupid voicemails from my employer trying to guilt trip me

I MISS: my family!

I HEAR: workers outside zipping around on golf carts. and sex and the city.

I WONDER: what my life is going to be like in 5 years

I REGRET: not sleeping over at my grandma's apartment when she asked me to

I AM NOT: a girly-girl

I DANCE: around the house naked when i'm alone

I SING: loudly in the car

I CRY: probably a lot more than i should. and usually only when i'm alone.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: sure of myself

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: beautiful photographs and collages

I WRITE: when i have something to say

I NEED: to have a better income

I SHOULD: get ready for my day. it's 1:13pm

I START: my job at the inn on sunday

I FINISH: my nanny job tomorrow!

Yes, more school. Man, when this is all over I am going to be so smart.

There is a photography school a short distance to Amherst called the Hallmark Institute of Photography and they offer a 10 month plan to a "career in professional photography." It costs $60,000 for this 10 month plan, but I think it's well worth it. I think it's worth it enough to take out $60,000 worth of student loans when I have never really paid for a damn thing in my life. 

I'm excited! 

And then I woke up and had to remind myself it was all a dream.

It's days like these where I can vividly remember my family sitting in our house in Connecticut waiting around in our dining room for my dad to cook dinner. I can hear Jimmy Buffett playing on our stereo. I can smell the onions and garlic sauteing on the stove and, today, that smell is so strong that I long to be back at home because I am almost guaranteed that smell each time my dad cooks. It's not only the smell that I miss, but our family being whole; my dad working his magic in the kitchen, my mom standing close by holding a glass of red wine, my grandmother sitting in her oversized reclining chair, our dog by her side, and my sister and I modelling bathing suits in hopes of summer weather.

Today I am thankful that I have had such a sense of "home" in my life. I am thankful for the smells of onions and garlic, family, and the fact that, on a day like today, I can always return to such a special time and feel just a little more comforted despite what is going on outside of my window.

One of the things that has always made me happy is photography. Throughout all of the travelling and the craziness of adolescence I have always found comfort and joy behind the camera. My first real exposure to photography was in high school photo classes. I learned the basics of black and white photography and spent literally all of my free time in the darkroom. Recess, study times, all the time. I guess you can say I was a bit of a loner, but there is something indescribably special about being in the darkroom, music playing, producing this image, sticking your fingers in chemicals, that can't be beat.

It was around that time that I fashioned my own studio out of black fabric, two industrial strength hallogen lights, and an end table from my parents living room. I used families around my compound and the children I used to babysit as my subjects, often against their will. But nevertheless I had fun and they had fun and I realized I had found a new love.

And now, I am doing the best I can with what I've got. I try to take photos every day, of anything, just to keep practicing and get better.  I've had wonderful experiences of working with a well-known and fabulous photographer and I feel like a sponge, soaking up any and all information that I can about this art.

I love taking photos and portraits, seeing the happiness on people's faces when they see their images from a special moment. It warms my heart. I feel like I have a lot to give and this is something I could really be good at. I'm seriously thinking that this is what I want to do with my life.

It seems like after a few weeks of this naughty behavior I began to see a change in myself. Mostly my pants; my once-loose jeans had become much tighter. Seeing as how I have had issues with my weight since middle school, this bothered me quite a bit. I've never been ridiculously overweight, the biggest size I've ever worn was a size 10, but it was still upsetting to me.

For the past five months I have made a conscious effort to eat right and be more active. I go to the gym every day and do an hour on the elliptical trainer and treadmill. However, my weight issues are neither here nor there. My real issue is with women in today's society being "cursed."

The "curse" is that women–most women– are born without the ability to see themselves and their bodies for what they really are: beautiful. When I look in the mirror I see that my boobs are too big (yes, that's a real thing), my nose could be a little smaller, and my waistline could stand to lose a few inches. When I was a size 6 I wanted to be a 4, when I was an 8 I yearned to be a 6, and now I just want my size 8 pants to be loose again.

Why is it that in society today women feel the pressure to be more beautiful than they think they are? Why is it that women are unable to see their true beauty? When are women going to realize that true beauty does not conform to any size or any ideal set by Hollywood, their friends, or their colleagues?

I consider myself lucky because I have a wonderful someone who constantly tells me that I am sexy and beautiful. And I wish everyone could be this lucky because I know how it feels to have people tell you You should get to the gym, or How interesting, I thought being active was hereditary, and you're not active, are you? It is a horrible and heart wrenching thing to have this said to you; something that stabs you down to your core and kills you just a little bit inside because they think that you are not good enough.

Women, I urge you–and myself included– to look beyond the critical eye that you see yourself with each day and see what should be seen: that you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. Whatever size you wear, who cares? You're the only one who sees it anyway. If you think your nose should be smaller, chances are you're the only person who thinks about that. True beauty is not what's on the outside, but is a reflection of what is on the inside: your heart. You are better than good enough.

Coffee.

That's it. Sure, I know a lot of people enjoy a good coffee but I have turned into one of those people who crawls out of bed screaming "Coffee, coffee, coffee, I need coffee." I thoroughly enjoy a Dunkin Donuts french vanilla iced coffee with skim milk – light- with extra sugar. Or a Starbucks caramel macchiato . Frankly, I'm quite scared for my scared for my health because of all this caffeine. On the bright side, at least I am being productive.

And today I bought a cowboy hat for $1 at Target.

Who would have thought?